Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dear Conservative Publishers: I Have An Idea

Dear Conservative Publishers,

I have an idea.

For weeks now, we have heard accounts of an out-of-control Obama administration using the IRS, as they bully conservative and Christian groups seeking 501C3 non-profit status.

This has given me an idea. Why don't conservative authors use the federal government's illegal, bullying tactics in advertisements for their books? Here's an example:

Hi, I'm Billy Joe Bumpus from the Northwestern Dallas Chapter of The Texas Tea Party. My group was harassed by The Obama Regime while we were applying for non-profit status. They demanded we hand over our reading list, and so, we sent them THIS:

Ben Shapiro's "Bullies: How The Left's Culture Of Fear And Intimidation Silences America." In this terrific tome, the up-and-coming conservative author details how leftists like Barack Obama intimidate the American people into silence.

"Bullies: How The Left's Culture Of Fear And Intimidation Silences America"---available at all major book stores and Get it, and DON'T BE SILENCED.

C'mon conservative publishers, we're sitting on a goldmine here.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Play-Date On The Jersey Shore

President Obama and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie went on a play-date yesterday, as they viewed Hurricane Sandy recovery efforts.

The odd couple visited The Boardwalk in Point Pleasant, where The Governor won a large, stuffed bear for The President.

But their play-date didn't end there....

Later on, they took a stroll on the beach. After building a cozy campfire, the Governor and The President discussed the recovery. With several houses and businesses still in severe disrepair in the background, Christie broke out a ukulele, and they sang 'Tonight You Belong To Me' from The Jerk.

Obama's Memorial Day Address

My Fellow Americans....

First of all, I want to remind the American people that I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN....

Some payed the ultimate price for your freedom. Yeah, whatever. Soon, my administration will end this holiday, and replace it with something that glorifies ME.

 I want to give a special shout-out to The First Lady. Today is Memorial Day, so she may actually see an American flag. The red, white, and blue offends her, so she has a special burden to bear today. It is our hope that The Red, White, and Blue will soon be replaced with The Off-Red, White, and Obama. Michelle would like that.

Today I honor The Fallen by lying about the four brave Americans I Obandoned as they died at the consulate at Benghazi. Under my direction, the government schools will successfully erase this country's racist, homophobic history, and replace it with Common Core, mmmm.....mmmm.....mmmm.....

Under MY leadership, the next generation will never know that 'freedom isn't free.' Freedom is such a passe' notion, anyways. FREE OBAMA PHONES FOR EVERYBODY!

All of the soldiers killed throughout America's long history were victims of workplace violence. I think that their families should sue the military. After they are sued into bankruptcy and their memory is buried forever, my personal civilian defence gestapo should take its place.

Have I mentioned that I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN YET? By the time I'M done, I'll REPLACE Memorial Day with 'BHO Killed OBL Day'.

In closing, I want The American People to celebrate Memorial Day by visiting your local GM dealer, and buying a green car. After I'm done here, your Indonesian/ Kenyan despot will enjoy the remainder of the day by barbecuing a dog.

God Bless America!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Casey Kasem's Top 5 Obama Crimes Against America

Welcome to my Countdown of The Top 5 Obama Crimes Against America. These are the top 5 biggest Obama 'scandals' of the Week ending May 18. The Benghazi 'Scandal' has spent an incredible 36 weeks at #1. Can it hold on for a 37th week? Let's find out!

(Studio singers-"Number Fiiiive")
At #5, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius returns to The Countdown this week, intimidating private companies into funding the implementation of the horribly unpopular Obamacare. 

The Associated Press 'Scandal' debuts at #4. It appears that Obama's Department of Justice, led by Attorney General Eric Holder, has been obtaining the phone records AND INTIMIDATING reporters of the AP.

Is this any way to treat your allies?

At #3, Operation Fast and Furious spends an incredible 227th consecutive week on The Obama 'Scandal' Countdown. As you know by now, Attorney General Eric Holder sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers. These vicious criminals used these guns in a wave of bloodshed all over the North American continent.

Our highest debut of the week goes to The IRS 'Scandal', debuting at #2. Last week, revelations came to light concerning the Obama Regime's bullying tactics against Tea Party, conservative, and religious groups during The 2012 Presidential Campaign.

As these conservative groups asked for 501c3 and 501c4 tax-exempt status, Obama's Goon Squad at The IRS made the application process A REAL NIGHTMARE. Also, The Obama Regime used The IRS to aid Obama's Presidential Campaign, illegally using private information to smear and target their opponents.

(Studio singers "And Now....The Number One Obama 'Scandal' of the Weeeeek")

For the 37th CONSECUTIVE WEEK, The #1 Obama 'Scandal' of the Week is.... (drum roll) The Benghazi 'Scandal'. On September 11, 2012, our consulate in Benghazi Libya was attacked, and four Americans were killed. President Obama refused to help these heroic Americans, and instead, told the American people an extensive series of falsehoods concerning this event.

He also sent his people to lie to the media and to Congress.

As our heroes were killed, Obama went to bed early, so that he could get up early the next morning. He was jetting off to Las Vegas for a campaign fundraiser.

Can The Benghazi 'Scandal' hold on to #1 next week? Stay tuned and we'll find out.

Until then, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.

Monday, May 20, 2013

News You Can Use

We at The RedSquirrel Report have noticed the increased feminization of the news. Morning news programs feature segments meant to cater to women, such as news from Hollywood. The women of America are dying to know if Brad and Angelina have secretly tied the knot or if actor Bradly Cooper has made the cover of People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" edition.

A clothes designer will visit with Kathie Lee and Hoda, and show off the newest fashions, then a famous chef will show the audience how to prepare a dish. To the women of America, the news is more than the events of the day, so we here at The RSR are pleased to debut a new segment we call News You Can Use.

This week, we are excited to tell the women of America about the hottest new hair style, The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Ramen Wig. 

First, you buy the wig. You can find it at any grocery store for about 25 cents, and you will have to know how to boil water.

You take the wig in it's hardened state, and place it in boiling water for 7 minutes. The wig should become
limp. Next, you turn off the burner, and let the wig cool for 5 minutes.

Finally, you drape your Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Ramen Wig over your head. Fabulous!

New Viking Stadium May Double As Greenhouse

In other Minnesota Viking news, the team unveiled several renderings of the new stadium. The $950,000,000 boondoggle will have a massive glass exterior. The state still doesn't know how we will fund this monster.

To this bushy-tailed correspondent, It looks like a very large greenhouse. Perhaps the team can grow flowers in the off-season, then sell roses and tulips at $39.95 a pop.

Since it looks like The Crystal Cathedral, Perhaps Pastor Zigi Wilf can don a long, flowing robe, and pass around a collection plate during each home game. Maybe The Minnesota Vikings can file for 501c3 status.

Somebody came up with an idea that the state would sell electronic pull-tabs to fund this thing. The yet-unnamed stadium can then pay for itself....

....or maybe not.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Kluwe Is Out

A couple weeks ago, The Minnesota Vikings drafted punter Jeff Locke in the 5th round, and then released veteran punter Chris Kluwe. It seems like everyone in the media has an opinion on the release of outspoken punter, who spoke out in favor of same-sex marriage.

Homophobic Viking General Manager Rick Spielman banished Kluwe from the Viking ship, but what do we really know about the new punter? RSR has dug up some rather startling facts:

Last year, Locke handed out bibles at a Gay Pride Parade in West Hollywood, and brandished a large sign that read 'God Hates Sodomites.'

He averaged 28.9 yards per punt at UCLA, before injury shortened his Junior season. He rode the bench for most of the 2012-2013, but the Viking GM heard about Locke's views on gay marriage, and was immediately impressed. Spielman explains:

'Yeah, Kluwe caused a lot of trouble for the team. Viking owner Ziggy (Wilf) used to always say that Chris was a cancer eating away at our organization. We believe that new punter Locke will fit perfectly with The Viking's 'anti-same sex marriage' team attitude.'

We tracked down superstar Defensive End Jared Allen, who said this:

'Nobody wanted to shower around Kluwe. He used to point at my uniform number 69, then laugh. It really gave me the creeps. I'm so glad he's gone.'

Many football analysts believe that Kluwe will never, ever play in The NFL again.

Dear Bonnie Tyler: We Got Your Hero Right Here

In early 1984, pop star Bonnie Tyler released Holding Out For A Hero, the follow-up to her number one smash hit Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

Somebody call Ms. Tyler. Last week, we found her hero:

Saturday, May 11, 2013

President Creepy Takes His Apology Tour South Of The Border

Wow, President Creepy is so full of crap I took last week's speech at The Anthropology Museum in Mexico City and fertilized my lawn with it.

His people told him that he would be speaking before The Anthropology Museum, but he must have thought they meant The Apology Museum. Your bushy-tailed correspondent sees no point in directly quoting The Kenyan despot anymore, because almost everything he says is a leftist dog-whistle wrapped in a lie.

During the speech, The Sociopath-in-Chief blamed America for the gun violence in Mexico. For a while there, I thought he was going to blame Operation Fast And Furious on NRA President Wayne LaPierre. On the other hand, it was very nice that he thanked illegal aliens for supporting his re-election. Without criminals, he probably wouldn't have been re-elected.

He also made some remarks designed to make Commie Mexican College Students For LaRaza jump for joy. For a moment there, it looked like he was offering to give them California, Arizona, Texas, and New Mexico. Sometimes I wonder if Obama's voters, as well as his foreign supporters, actually hate America as much as he does.

Three cheers for political correctness. Way to go, America.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

NBA's Jason Collins Takes It To The Hole

Gay Professional basketball player Jason Collins made worldwide headlines last week, announcing his sexual preference before the world. Apparently, that makes him the Jackie Robinson of 2013. We are being told that Collins is the first gay athlete from one of the major sports to make this announcement.

Figure skating isn't considered a major sport?

It took incredible courage to make the announcement, as he was almost crushed with the avalanche of near-universal praise from other athletes, the entertainment news media, and politicians alike. Even our gay president took a break from deliberately punishing The American people to call Collins.

There are some who have not shown the proper level of enthusiasm for Collins' big announcement. It seems that the majority of Americans didn't really care one way or an another about who the basketball player sleeps with. There even may be a sports reporter out there who disapproves of sodomy. Off to Sensitivity Training Classes with him!

I predict that actor Jamie Foxx will win the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role for his portrayal of Jason Collins.

While we're at it, your bushy-tailed correspondent would like to take this time to come out of the closet. I Evangelical Christian Conservative Republican residing in a deep-blue, major urban center. Now, Where's my praise from the news media?

Monday, May 6, 2013

What Would've Happened If King Mark Was Glitter-Bombed?

On Wednesday night, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton took part in a townhall meeting in Shakopee, home of Canterbury Park. During the proceedings, he told his over-taxed subjects that Minnesota's state legislators are UNDERPAID, and deserve a raise.

One of King Mark's ungrateful subjects pointed out that a legislator works part-time.

An annoyed Dayton reprimanded those in attendance, comparing them to the unruly, 'juvenile' students Dayton knew when he was a teacher in New York.

Tsk, tsk, dear peasants, when you're in the presence of King Mark, you're not supposed to approach him with facts, or show frustration. Remember, Democrats believe they are born to rule and are entitled to whatever they feel they can confiscate. Just shut up and pay those taxes. It's all for a better Minnesota.

During Minnesota's Gubernatorial election of 2010, Dayton's Republican opponent Tom Emmer had thousands of pennies dumped on him during an appearance. I wonder how Dayton would react to having coins dumped on him, or having some maniac jump out of a crowd with a glitter-bomb.

If you're a conservative, it's a good idea to hire a body guard if you venture into a hostile, sometimes violent hot-beds of P.C. leftism called American universities. Conservative pundit/author Ann Coulter has had oranges thrown at her. Ms. Coulter would be happy if an audience behaved in a 'juvenile' manner.

So, remember this, Gopher State plebes: When King Mark graces us with his presence, we are not to confront him with facts, or show frustration. If you feel that you cannot show him the proper level of adulation, just smile and nod your head.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

I Don't Support Tarring And Feathering Congress, But....

I was listening to The KQRS Morning Show this week, and heard host Tom Barnard talk about how everywhere he goes, people stop him and tell him just how incensed they are with the government.

Gee, I don't know why The American people would be angry.

The American people have re-elected Our Black Messiah, and a Congress who has destroyed home ownership with Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac, and destroyed health care with Obamacare.

Meanwhile, these kleptocrats feather their own nest and game the system. It's as if they're in a race to get theirs before there's nothing left to steal.

They rob us of freedom, regulate us out of business, tax everything that moves, concoct new ways of screwing us over, and let Chechnyan terrorists run wild in our streets. But who's complaining?

Oh, it gets WORSE, America. This week, Congress is thinking about exempting themselves from their own creation, Obamacare. It seems that Pelosi and her friends have finally READ what's in this horrendous legislation. They are finally discovering that even after they get done raising their own salaries and feathering their own nests, can't afford this insanity either.

With this news, Congress may have driven the American people over the edge.

Now, as for me, I don't support tarring and feathering members of Congress, but I would understand it.

The RedSquirrel Report Welcomes Red Forman To Our Team

The RedSquirrel Report is happy to announce a new addition to our team, Red Forman:

Thanks, 'Squirrel.

A couple weeks ago, two jack-asses from Chechnya set off bombs at The Boston Marathon, killing three people and maiming 260. The dumb-asses in the MSM wildly speculated that the bombers must have been white, right wingers. Damn idiots.

As it turns out, the bombers were brothers Tamerlan and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. Three days after the bombing, these two jerks led the authorities on a chase. The older brother was shot, and killed when his brother ran him over. The next day, the 19-year old younger brother was captured.

I hope the police kicked the punk's ass.

In other news, Congress is thinking about making it easier for illegal aliens to stay in this country. They call it, 'The pathway to citizenship.' Hey Jack-asses, there's already a pathway to citizenship.' It's called 'Obey the damn law.'

Oh, This just in: 43% of the American people polled approve of Obamacare. That's because 43% of the American people are dumb-asses.

In local news, Minnesota Democrat Tina Liebling was so P.O.'d at her Republican colleague, State Representative Tom Drazkowski for proposing that welfare recipients to be tested for drugs, she introduced her own amendment asking that everyone in The State Legislature be tested.

Her temper tantrum was the smartest, best thing to happen in the DFL-led Minnesota State Legislature so far in this session. 

In fact, I would like to see Congress tested for drugs. Hell, I trust my dumb-assed kid Eric more than I trust these maniacs. Have you ever wondered why Nancy Pelosi has that insane, perpetually surprised look? Now America could know.

Well, that's all for now. Good night, America.