Saturday, March 30, 2013

Feed The Staffers

Recently, Florida Representative and DNC Chairmongrel Debbie Wasserman-Schultz complained to the press that, because of the sequester, her staff was having trouble affording a good meal. Their average yearly salary is anywhere between $60,000 and $160,000.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent believes that it is simply scandalous that staffers for this tremendous public servant cannot afford to eat, and so I am personally looking into this.

Perhaps, her staff can't afford to eat because they all expensive drug habits, or maybe these poor little lambs believe that they should have professional taste testers like The President has. It is a terrible injustice that a congressional staffer in Washington be forced to live like a common constituent.

I do have an idea. Just as the pop stars of the 1980's got together and recorded "We Are The World" for the starving in Ethiopia, Debbie can assemble the rich and powerful, and record a re-make of this timeless classic. They can dedicate 50 cents from each digital download to feed these hungry congressional staffers.

Then, they can plan a big concert, and invite Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Beyonce, and Jay Z, and tell those viewing the concert to call 1-800-FOR-STAFF to make a pledge.

I'm sure that Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and her starving staff would greatly appreciate it.

Hey Look, Ace Ventura's Talking Out Of His Ass

This week, comedian-actor Jim Carrey injected himself into the big gun-control fray.

The RedSquirrel Report has invited the comedian to bring his valuable insight into this complex issue. We believe in The First Amendment as well as the Second Amendment, so it's good to hear diverse opinions, even if we may not always agree.

So, here he is. Mr. Carrey, the floor is yours.



THANK YOU.......


Saturday, March 23, 2013

Wow, It Looks Like Obama And Emperor Palpatine Had A Baby


Bow Down Beyotch

Your bushy-tailed correspondent was listening to The Maha-Rushie this week, as he was commenting on the new Beyonce song, "Bow Down (Bitches)". The talk radio superstar opined that Mrs. Jay-Z was setting back the women's movement.

He was under the impression that Mrs. Carter was telling wives across America to bow down to their husbands, when in fact the singer was actually telling all the other female pop stars to bow down to her.

Wow, the queen Bey is all that.

I was under the impression the title of said song was a description of Obama's foreign policy....

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Democrats: The Party Of Bullies And Bigots

Recently, the hero for two generations of lefty journalists suddenly found himself being threatened by an official in The Obama White House.

Bob Woodward disclosed that someone 'high up' in the Obama Regime threatened him over his reporting of the recent sequester fight. Later, we found out that it was Obama Advisor Gene Sperling.

Other reporters have disclosed that they too have been threatened. Obama officials have screamed and yelled at CBS's Sharyl Attkisson over the phone because of her reports on the Benghazi scandal.

Meanwhile, Democrats of Twitter are throwing racial slurs at Elaine Chao, former Secretary of Labor. It so happens that she is also the wife of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

So, what's the deal, Democrats? It looks like you are becoming just like your leader Obama--a criminal gang of immoral thugs and leftist bullies.

The jack-A$$ Party also have a well-established pattern of threatening Black Conservatives for straying off the Democrat plantation. They engaged in a high-tech lynching of Judge Clarence Thomas, heaped insults against former Presidential advisor Condoleeza Rice, and last November, stole Florida Congressman Allen West's seat.

The Democrat Party is the party of bullies and bigots. In 2008, Our Kenyan Despot promised to bring America together, yet his actions have proven the opposite to be true. They have embraced Saul Alinsky's 'Rules For Radicals', as they bully, slander, and intimidate opponents.

They have adopted a 'win at any cost' attitude, and demagogue normal everyday Americans as they heap insults and regulations and taxes on anybody willing to succeed in America.

Obama is like the bully on the playground. Freedom-loving Americans need to figuratively punch the bully in the nose, and take back their lunch money.

To a Democrat, the 'ends justifies the means'. Mean-spiritedness has become their gospel. They're insufferably cocky, while they destroy and plunder every state and city they run.

Do you remember last year, when 16-year-old conservative blogger Madeleine McAulay received DEATH THREATS for merely making a video where she stated that she believes in the traditional definition of marriage? Really classy, Dems.

Two weeks ago, Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison had a mental meltdown as a guest on Sean Hannity's program on FOX NEWS. Ellison is a leftist Muslim, so you better cow tow or else he'll go off on you.

The Democrats have a long, shameful history of bigotry. The Ku Klux Klan was formed by Democrats, while the National Rifle Association was CREATED to PROTECT newly freed slaves. Americans would know this fact, but the Democrat-dominated government schools and universities have also become bastions of leftist indoctrination and intimidation.

If the Republicans want to win, they should always adopt the attitude that Americans are Americans. STOP thinking of Americans as an angry, bubbling, thievin' cauldron of hyphenated groups, battling for government giveaways and set-asides.

Think of what would would happen if America was governed by doing what's right instead of pitting group against group. Things will improve when America rejects those who use bigotry and intimidation to pursue their agenda.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Assault Pastry At A Baltimore Elementary School

The stupidity found in the government school system in Baltimore took a cartoonish turn recently, as a seven-year old student received a two-day suspension for wielding a Pop Tart that he had formed into THE SHAPE of a gun.

According to a school official, the child broke the zero-tolerance rules by brandishing 'the weapon'.

I guess you could call this "Operation Fat and Furious".

Perhaps you can be charged with a hate crime for biting a gingerbread man's head off, or maybe expelled for placing over 10 donut holes in your "high capacity" lunch box.

Speaking of lunch boxes, if you had a Lone Ranger lunch box, could the principal take it away? The Lone Ranger carried a gun.

The culture inside the American public school is devoid of common sense. No wonder kids hate school. The people who run these joints are nutcases.

President Creepy Deliberately Harming America

Question: What does a President have to do to be served with Articles of Impeachment?

Our Kenyan Despot has sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, resulting in many deaths, including Border Agent Bryan Terry. He abandoned four American heroes in Benghazi, then tried to cover it up.

He abuses The Constitution constantly, and is hell-bent on 'fundamentally transforming' America. Columnist David Brooks opined that "Obama governs as if he is from a morally superior civilization".

Now, in the aftermath of HIS sequester, he releases thousands of illegal alien criminals. Obama is using scare tactics and intimidation because he is out to destroy the America that the American people have always known.

His attitude? If those Republicans don't let me raise taxes, I'll deliberately harm the American people. The GOP will be blamed for thousands of furloughed FBI agents, teachers, TSA employees, food inspectors, and law enforcement officers.

Of course, He'll do NOTHING to cut all the fraud and waste in the federal government. President Creepy is STILL sending billions to his Islamo-Fascist friends in Egypt.

He is firing 5,000 border guards, while hiring 12,000 BRAND-NEW IRS agents whose job it will be to harass the American people into compliance with Obamacare. He is cutting National Defense, but rest easy my fellow Americans. He will fully fund his national civilian security gestapo.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul waged a 13-hour filibuster just to call attention to the fact that The Obama Administration had trouble answering a very basic question:

Does an American president have the right to kill a non-combat American citizen without any due process?

Obama's Secretary General Eric Holder had a problem with that question, while The Department of Homeland Security had NO PROBLEM with buying a stockpile of 1.7 billion rounds of ammunition.

Many of us who voted for Mitt Romney saw this coming. Now, many liberals are also seeing it, as evidenced with the fact that liberal groups Code Pink and The American Civil Liberties Union joined with conservatives who stood with Rand Paul. This isn't partisan. This is not Republican vs. Democrats.

This isn't conservative vs. liberal. This is The Obama Regime vs. The Constitution.

Obama To America: Happy St. Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day, my fellow Americans.

Last week, I held a green beer summit and had dinner with twelve lucky leprechaun RINOS, where we discussed the budget. I did something that I've never done before--I payed the check.

This past week I went on a lucky charm offensive, but in the end it seemed that most Americans were not charmed. They just found it offensive.

Many Americans have had enough of the Blarney that passes thru my lips. They are not believing my sequester horror stories, and it appears that my newest move to beat the American people with my sequester Shillelagh has been met with resentment.

In 2008, I promised to drive all the special interest snakes out of Washington. I merely REPLACED them with SEIU union bosses, Marxists, and Solyndra executives.

Still, I would like to take this time to announce something very exciting. As you know, I believe that I deserve my own holiday. I'm not satisfied with sharing a holiday with 43 other presidents, so I am re-naming the holiday currently known as St. Patrick's Day.

From this day FORWARD it will be called 'St. O'Bama's Day'. Hey, if I can get away with desecrating the American flag, I can easily get away with desecrating a great American holiday. By golly!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Carnak The Magnificent---News Analyst

Today we are pleased to welcome our new news analyst from the East. He is a mystic seer, soothsayer, and former political advisor for Senatorial candidate Todd Akin. I present to you, my readers....Carnak The Magnificent!

I hold in my hands the envelopes. As even a low-information voter can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically-sealed. They have been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon yesterday.

No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but he, in his borderline divine and mystical way, will make sense of what is contained in these envelopes. Here we go:

Carnak holds the first envelope to his head:
Mr. Potato Head, Rand Paul, and John McCain (He opens the envelope)..........Name a spud, a stud, and a dud.

Carnak holds the second envelope to his head:
A highway, a chicken, and Kim Jong Un (He opens the envelope).............Name something tarred, something feathered, and someone who should be tarred and feathered.

Thank you, oh wise news analyst from the East. Don't trip over your robe.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Our Tribute To The Out-Going Members Of Obama's First Term

We here at The RedSquirrel Report would like to take this time to wish the best for the out-going members of the First Obama Administration.

We wish good luck to former Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner. I am sure that since he's no longer in government, he will go back to doing what he does best----cheating on his taxes.

We also wish the best for former Energy Secretary, Steven Chu. America thanks you for $3.90 gas and for that Superbowl blackout, also known as "Steven Chu's swan song."

Finally, we pay tribute to the former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. Thanks for your years of service--Just don't leave the country. We might need you to testify against your former boss. By the way, how is your concussion?

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dennis Rodman: Low-Information Diplomat

C'mon everybody, cut ex-jock Dennis Rodman some slack. He's just not up on the geopolitical matters on Planet Earth. We're not even quite sure if he's from around here.

The former Detroit Piston visited North Korean Despot Kim Jong Un, watched some North Korean b-ball, and probably played some Wii Bowling at the presidential palace.

Then, Rodman made an appearance on ABC'S This Week with George Stephanopoulis, and gave America his much-needed insights on life inside the socialist paradise known as The People's Republic of North Korea.

Describing Un as 'A great guy', Rodman told the shocked host that all the kid dictator wants is for our kid dictator (Obama) to 'call him.' It's great to know that there is at least one telephone in North Korea.

The 200,000 slave-laborers being worked and starved to death inside North Korea's prison camps could not be reached for comment.

Nothing is official, but it appears that Dennis Rodman has joined Dear Leader's Foreign Relations team:

John Kerry, Chuck Hagel, and Dennis Rodman. I have a good feeling about this.

We believe that The Obama Administration will schedule a play-date with Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in April.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

NBC Nightly News: Tonight's Top Story

Tonight's Top Story: Venezuelan Leader Hugo Chavez was assassinated by cancer today.

The 58-year-old strongman was suffering from a strain of cancer apparently given to him by America.

Tonight, Hollywood is in mourning. Actor Sean Penn asks for privacy, as he and The Democrat Caucus plan for a public tribute to The Communist dictator.

He is survived by millions of terrified, subjugated Venezuelan citizens.

Hugo Chavez. Dead at 58.

Are We Living The 9th Season Of 24?

Someone should find Jack Bauer----The President is destroying the country.

The story begins with The President and his Attorney General selling guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, and an American Border Agent is murdered by someone using one of these guns.

Then four Americans are murdered in Benghazi, Libya, when The President abandons them. Is there a cover-up involved?

As the administration attempts to disarm the American people, they are giving 200 f-16's to our enemies in Egypt. His Department of Homeland Security has purchased 2,700 light-armored tanks and a stockpile of 1.7 BILLION bullets.

Is villainous President Charles Logan (or Barack Obama) going on a hunting trip with 'big sis', Janet Napolitano, or are they preparing for massive civil unrest?

Now, the corrupt president is releasing thousands of criminal aliens, many of whom carry contagious diseases. He threatens to release even more, unless the congressional opposition agree to massive tax increases.

If you didn't already know that I am describing The Obama Administration, you would think that I was describing a collection of thugs, criminals, and  corruptocrats from the Fox Network thrill ride, 24.

This all sounds like something that would sprout out of the creative mind of Joel Surnow, but all of this is really happening to America.

Many of us wonder why the opposition party isn't doing anything to stop this. Have they been threatened or compromised, or are they in on all the corruption?

Maybe there should be a CTU to protect America from Obama. Your busy-tailed correspondent would like to see Jack sneak into The White House, and force a confession out of this criminal.