Friday, January 25, 2013

Fortunately, A Secret Service Agent Had A Fly Swatter

Dateline Thursday: As the Narcissist-in-Chief was announcing the new heads of The Securities and Exchange Commission and The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, a housefly used the President's forehead as a landing strip, interrupting him.

Fortunately, one of his Secret Service agents was there with a fly swatter.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I'm Movin' On....To Wisconsin

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton-Messinger released his budget proposal for fiscal year 2014-15, and Republican House Minority Leader Kurt Daudt suggested that the proposal will have Minnesotans running for the Wisconsin border.

Will Minnesotans vote with their feet? We'll see. Until then, I've written a themesong for disgruntled taxpayers thinking about making the move. It's a parody of Hank Snow's I'm Moving On).

C'mon truckers and future tax exiles, Sing along:

I've loaded up my U-Haul van, and I'm headed to Wisconsinland
I'm movin' on, I'll soon be gone
They taxed and spent-so away I went
I'm movin' on.

Goodbye, Dayton I hit the road, Maybe Scott Walker will lighten my load
I'm movin' on, I'll soon be gone
The Badger State has a better rate
So I'm movin' on.

Dayton an' Baak want to tax and spend, I wanna tell em 'This is the end'
I'm movin' on, I'll soon be gone
We've been over-taxed and the state's been maxed
So I'm movin' on.

Or maybe I'll head to 'ole Fargo, head on over where the taxes are low
I'm movin' on, I'll soon be gone
I can't take no more, so I'm out the door
I'm movin' on.

Maybe the voters will throw him out, and show Mark what it's all about
Dayton's moving on, He'll be gone
We've had enough of the one-term Guv
So get movin' on

Friday, January 18, 2013

AlGoreJazeeraTV: Friday Night Schedule

7:00-How I Beheaded Your Mother

8:00-Wide World Of Jihad

10:00-This Old Mosque

11:00-Dhimmi Kimmil

Living On A Prayer 2013

In 1986, future Democrat tool Jon Bon Jovi wrote his superhit Living On A Prayer. The song tells the story of lovebirds Tommy and Tina, as they try to keep their love alive during that horrible decade of economic degradation, also known as the 1980's.

Damn that Ronald Reagan.

I often wonder whatever happened to those crazy kids? It's now 2013, and their Messiah Barack Obama has just won a second term. We pick up the story there:

Tommy used to work at the coal mine
Obama took his job. Now he's standing in a line
It's tough. So tough

Gina worked the diner all day
Obamacare cut her hours. Raised her taxes 
Cut her pay. So tough

She said, "Food stamps is all we got."
We blame those Republicans for this tight spot
We're waving goodbye to our foreclosed lot
We're low-info voters
Our futures are shot

Whoa, we're halfway there
Whoa-oh Living On A Prayer
When I see Republicans I want to swear
Whoa-oh Only Obama cares

Who Should Run Against Alan Grayson In 2014?

Last week, wacky Florida Democrat Alan Grayson suggested that Republicans are like bathsalt-eating zombies who would "eat your face off".

Grayson has a history of extreme lunacy, losing his Congressional seat in 2010, then winning a second, non-consecutive term last November. Your bushy-tailed news analyst wonders just what his Republican opponent did to lose the seat to someone as unhinged as Grayson.

Actually, I don't even wanna know.

It's never too soon to think about possible opponents for Grayson. Personally, I'd like to see former TV star, Vicky Lawrence, face the 3-term congressman. She was Mama in those terrific Eunice and her family skits on The Carol Burnett Show.

In those classic skits, Vicky heaps abuse on Carol's character Eunice. It would be fun to see a debate between these Mama and Grayson. Whenever the congressman says something nutty, 'ole Mama could just look over at him and say:

Alan, I think you sprung a leak in yer dingy....or....

With all due respect, Congressman Grayson---I think you gawt splinters in the windmills of yower mind....or....

I don't think yower elevator goes all the way to the top!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

A Really Futile And Stupid Gesture

Our Kenyan Despot's Inauguration happens on Monday 21st, and I have a few ideas about how to celebrate this momentous event. I've described my "Obama mask concept" in a previous post, yet I realize that even the most partisan Republican secretly would jump at the chance to see this wonderful coronation up close.

I was just thinking about that climatic scene of Animal House, where our scholastically-challenged heroes created a float for the big parade. 

My idea is to crash the Inauguration parade. To keep Obama's Secret Service at bay, we will need ten-thousand marbles.

But we must work fast. The Inauguration is only nine short days away. I'm working on designs for this float, and will need four or five workers to make tissue paper flowers.

Democrats are terrified of the 'red fringe', so I'm thinking about decorating our float with some nice red fringe, and will probably re-visit the "Eat Me" theme.

If we're not shot by Secret Service, I would also like to spin our wheels over Michelle's victory garden.

If you want to take part in this completely futile and stupid gesture, contact us at

How I Will Spend Inauguration Day

Inauguration Day is Monday 21st, and your bushy-tailed correspondent is gearing up for the big celebration. Dear Leader promises an unprecedented blow-out in DC, as well as a great big parade, complete with chanting Obama Youth and the SEIU Marching band.

I understand that a million low-information supporters with Obama phones will crowd the parade route, and watch The Messiah take the oath.

As for myself, I'm ordering an Obama mask off E-Bay, and will spend Inauguration Day walking up and down the city streets here in Minneapolis, terrifying complete strangers, yelling "MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES....AND I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT!"

I'll probably visit all the stores and business downtown, telling the store owners, "YOU DIDN'T BUILD THIS!" Then tell their employees, "IF YOUR PAYCHECK IS SMALLER, DON'T BLAME ME. BLAME THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION!"

I got this idea from a scene in the 1980 semi-biographical comedy, Where The Buffalo Roam.  Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson, portrayed by Bill Murray, is minding his business in a hotel eatery, when suddenly, his maniacal lawyer Victor Lazlo (Peter Boyle) visits him.

Wearing a rubber Richard Nixon mask, Lazlo growls at perturbed customers, yelling "Sock it to me!" and, when a waitress tells him that he can't enter the restaurant wearing the mask, he proclaims "I am the President of the United States, and I can do anything I want!"

Inauguration Day should be fun.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Al Jazeera Buys Al Gore's CURRENT TV

Al Gore sold his leftist news channel CURRENT TV to Al Jazeera. Your bushy-tailed media analyst sees this as a very good development. If they can put Joy Behar in a burqa, then that would be an immediate improvement. If they can do something about that obnoxious, nasal voice, even better.

I remember when ABC adopted Still The One, which was a big pop hit from 1976 for Orleans, as their theme song. I'm thinking that Al Jazeera should go with something like Prince's megahit.  1999. C'mon all you jihadis, sing along. Here we go:

Now we're Al Jazeera, and we hate the infidels.
We jumped at the chance when Al Gore announced he wanted to sell
Now Current TV is part of our master plan
We televise propaganda against the great Satan

We'll behead the infidels, oops, they're running out of time
and we'll show it tonight on Channel 599

We hate all you Christians and we hate all the Jews
and we have a hateful message that we have to spew
Some come on you Sunnis, and all you militant Shiites
Get your marching orders from AlGore Jazeera tonight

or we'll behead you all, oops, you're running out of time
and we'll show the carnage on Channel 599....

When You Care To Send The Very Best

At, we see hateful libs on Twitter are hoping for hospitalized former President George H.W. Bush's death ('Die painfully': 50 soulless degenerates who can't wait for George H.W. Bush to die) and it's given me an idea.

Is there a greeting card company that specializes in "Don't get well" cards?

A good indicator of your effectiveness as a conservative is the amount of hatred the other side shows when you're either sick in a hospital bed or when you're dead. When Andrew Breitbart died, the left side of the Internet blew up with psychotic liberals celebrating his death.

I didn't even know that George 41 was that effective as a conservative. I guess that 'thousand points of light' remark still angers the lefties.

With Breitbart's passing, the whack-jobs on the left celebrated because their hated, effective nemesis was gone. That's how liberals are. By contrast, when former President Bill Clinton was in the hospital having his heart operation, nearly all the comments in the conservative Internet media were from well-wishers.

That's because conservatives behave like human beings.

But back to my idea. There should be a store where hateful liberal jerks can go and get one of these 'greeting cards'. If for some reason I was bed-ridden, I know that I would enjoy a mailbag full of hateful cards from maladjusted leftists. In fact, I see myself yukking it up with the nurses and doctors.

I believe that the folks at Reader's Digest said it best: Laughter is the best medicine.

I bet these maniacal weirdos would spend $10 for a card that says something like:

DIE REDSQUIRREL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear RedSquirrel, I hope you and all your right-wing pals rot in Hell!

I'm getting a little misty just thinking about it. Maybe we could advertise the cards on Democratic Underground and

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Is This Obama's "Lincoln Moment"?

On Sunday's Meet The Press, host David Gregory interviewed Our Dear Leader, and asked him about his "Lincoln moment".

Wow. I bet it was real tough for Little Davey to ask Obama to lower himself to mere mortal status, and compare himself to Honest Abe. But hey, we all know that the MSM worships Our Little Dictator.  Perhaps, we should be comparing Lincoln to Obama.

Your bushy-tailed history buff actually discovered some very interesting facts about our 16th President. For example:

Did you know that during the stolen Presidential Election of 1864, Abraham Lincoln also disenfranchised the military vote?

In 1863, Lincoln infamously said, 'You didn't build that log cabin.'

Lincoln sold cannons to drug dealers.

Like Obama, Abraham Lincoln laundered money thru his campaign. He also raised taxes on entrepreneurs, then showered his supporters with money for votes. In fact, Abraham Lincoln invented the concept of 'stimulus'.

During the 1864 Republican National Convention, weirdos ran around in giant vagina costumes, too.

 It's pretty amazing how history keeps repeating.