Sunday, December 30, 2012

The RedSquirrel Looks 'Forward' To 2013

In 2013, Michelle Obama will stick her nose even deeper in our business. In 2012, FLOTUS told schools what to serve for lunch. In the coming year, family farms will be replaced by state-run 'victory gardens'. America starves.

As America falls off the fiscal cliff, the American people resort to cannibalism to survive. The real unemployment rate explodes over 20%, and over half the country is left dependent on the government. The MSM has a name for this, The new O.K.

Obama's chief liar Stephanie Cutter will replace George Stephanopoulis as the new host of ABC's This Week. You remember that he helped Bill Clinton lie his way into the White House in 1992.

Seeing what Barack Obama has done to the American economy, Mexico will close it's border with America.

The hapless Republicans will compromise with Obama on new gun-control legislation. As a result, only dangerous drug dealers and members of the Muslim Brotherhood will be allowed to own arms.

In entertainment news, Cable television star Honey Boo Boo will receive an Honorary Doctorate from Harvard.

Kim Kardashian will finally marry someone more annoying than she is----Kanye West.

North Korea sets off an 'Electromagnetic Pulse Bomb', and we lose our electrical grid. Also, all of our cell towers are knocked out. The American people live in abject horror, as we are forced to speak to each other FACE-TO-FACE!

The American people finally learn that our election system is a damned joke. Have a great 2013 everybody!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Public Service Announcement: Keep Your Guns, America

In the aftermath of the horrible massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, it seems that America has become unglued. We had a lone mass murderer, Adam Lanza, killing 20 children and 6 unarmed teachers.

It was already a gun-free zone. Maybe someone should have told Adam Lanza that guns weren't allowed on school grounds. Yeah, that would've stopped him.

Now, we have politicians threatening our Second Amendment rights, and anti-gun Americans are really losing it, threatening to murder gun-owners as well as members of the National Rifle Association.

I guess what we need is another public service announcement. Here we go again:

We are all shocked and saddened by the murders in Newtown, but this is no time to trade in our freedom. We are a nation of gun-owners. We will never completely eliminate violence, but guns in the hands of good people can even the odds.

Threatening law-abiding citizens on Twitter and members of the NRA is just plain stupid.

Then, you have the politicians who are always willing to pass more bad laws, endangering this country even further. Don't encourage them.

Remember, an armed society is a polite society. Keep your guns, America.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Dear Congress, Hillary Can't Testify Today

Recently, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton turned down a request to testify before Congress on matters related to the Benghazi massacre. We were told that she couldn't testify because she had a cold....and a concussion.

 Dear Congress,

Hillary can't testify today, because she has a cold........and a concussion.


Hillary's Mom

I believe I saw this on the 70's sit-com "Welcome Back, Kotter"....

The RedSquirrel Report has an insider at the State Department, who knows a guy who has a girlfriend who has a co-worker at the White House Gift Shop who knows a guy who overheard Hillary say this, boasting to colleagues:

Incredible. One of the worst performances of my career and the MSM never doubted it for a second.

Your bushy-tailed correspondent asked our source at The State Department, who told us why she thinks Hillary got out of testifying before Congress:

Oh, she's very popular. All the Lesbos, Commies, Lefties, Towel-heads, Bloods, and Dems  just love her. They think she's a righteous dude.

We'll stay on top of this developing story.

It's Time For The World To End

Well folks, the Mayan calender ended last Friday. Everybody is joking about the world ending on December 21, 2012, but I think that it's about time. The world is falling apart, and people are behaving as if they're possessed or something.

Maybe it's time for God to pull the plug.

For one thing, America is hopelessly racist. On Election Day, 91% of Black voters discriminated against the qualified white man. The free market has been under attack in the last four years, yet most voters STILL blame White former President George W. Bush.

Illinois Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was easily re-elected to Congress, even though he's been 'away', incapacitated by bi-polar disorder, and indicted on corruption charges. Jackson resigned the congressional seat, but I don't understand why. It seems to me that mental disorders and corruption are resume enhancers for Democrats.

Meanwhile, 'Fauxohontas' Elizabeth Warren unseated uber-moderate Republican Scott Brown in Massachusetts. We still don't know if Cher sang Half Breed at her victory party.

Florida voters threw conservative superstar Alan West out of Congress. Did I mention that I think the voters are possessed?

The American people have flushed our Constitutional Republic down the toilet, opting for free Obama phones and taxpayer-funded contraception. We could have elected a squeaky-clean candidate with a history of turning failing businesses around. Instead, the voters re-elected a virulent anti-American who taunts the entrepreneurs, kills our industries, sells guns to Mexican drug-dealers, GIVES weapons to our enemies, and turns his back on Americans killed in Benghazi, Libya.

Watching the Obama sycophants in the state-run propaganda media relentlessly hype Dear Leader is like watching one of those Left Behind movies on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.  I can see Diane Sawyer and the other starry-eyed newscasters gladly tout Anti-Christ.

Obama has recently gave The Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt 20 state-of-the-art F16 fighter jets. Yet, Congress will not impeach this maniac. They won't investigate Benghazi. They're not interested in massive election fraud. These crooks don't care about America.

Two weeks ago, 20-year-old Adam Lanza shot up an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, killing 20 children and 6 teachers. As a result, the libs want to strip us of our Second Amendment rights. They're all over Twitter, threatening to kill believers in gun rights. This isn't helpful.

It looks like we're screwed, folks.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Santa Claus: So, I Understand Obama Has A 'Naughty' & 'Nice' List

Recently, Dear Leader jokingly claimed to have made up a "naughty" and "nice" list in regards to the loyal opposition. As a result, Saint Nick has sent us this open letter to the Narcissist-In-Chief.

Dear Jack-A$$,

So, YOU have a 'naughty' and 'nice' list, huh? Let me remind you that you did not originate the concept.

I am trying to keep track of all the outrageous things you've done this year. We have a file cabinet on you, Buster..

Just recently, you GAVE The Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt 20 state-of-the-art F16 fighter jets. Arming Muslim extremists isn't the best way to get on Santa's good side.

You sold illegal guns to dangerous drug dealers in your Operation Fast and Furious, and doing your damndest to cover it up. Your sale of these weapons have created horrible carnage and heartbreak.

I also saw you and your campaign steal the presidential election. I keep the TV on FOX NEWS in my office, and we have Limbaugh blaring in the break room.

By the way, I really don't appreciate your union thugs attempting to unionize our operation up here. Damned purple-shirted, Commie thugs.

You told the entrepreneurs and hard-working Americans 'You didn't build that'. When the elves heard that, I had to put a swear jar in the workplace. Since you killed the coal industry, I can't even stick a lump of the dirty stuff in your stocking. Instead, you're getting a steaming reindeer turd!

As America stumbles along under your inept leadership, and the victims of Hurricane Sandy suffer, you plan a Hawaiian Christmas vacay. You are truly a jack-a$$.

I still have a 'naughty' and 'nice' list, but there's also my sh..list. There's about 5 people on the list, and you're one of them.

Mele Kalikimaka, A$$-Hole.

Santa Claus

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

They're Planning The Obama Inauguration Parade

It was announced that Jim "Gingers Have No Soul'' Messina will be in charge of Barack Obama's second inaugural parade. I can imagine it now:

Good morning, America. This is Bill Burditsman, and welcome to Our Glorious Leader's Second Inauguration parade. Later on, The One will take his oath of office in a private ceremony. He will be surrounded by friends, The Muslim Brotherhood, The Communist Party USSA, and cronies from Solyndra and Light-Squared.

We're not sure if he will take his oath on a Bible or a Quran. Oh wait, the parade is starting!

Our lead float features Sandra Fluke and Lena Dunham, as well as six weirdos in giant vagina costumes. There is a large sign that reads: "Our Lady Parts Thank You, Mr. President!" Impressive.

Next, we have The New Jersey Chapter of Obama Youth. They are marching down the street, and chanting:

"Barack Hussein Obama mmmm.....mmmm......mmmm......"

Up next, we have the SEIU Marching Band. Oh wait. they spotted a few protesters....and NOW THEY ARE BEATING THEM WITH THEIR INSTRUMENTS!

Our next float features our friends from south of the border, brandishing guns that our President sold them in his highly successful Operation Fast And Furious. Hey kids! It looks like they're throwing candy!

Next, we have some honored guests---Egypt's President Mohamed Morsi and Russia's Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev, riding on a float. There's a missile on the float, with a large sign that reads: "FLEXIBILITY". Yes! We all need to be flexible!

....and there is The President! He has stopped the parade for a moment. He gets out of the limousine, and.....he deeply bows to Morsi and Medvedev.

Next is First Lady Michelle Obama's Victory Garden float, There are 10 severely malnourished fifth graders sitting on the float, which is festooned with eggplant, freshly-picked cabbage, and carrots.

Now, the limousine takes it's final turn towards Pennsylvania Avenue, where thousands of supporters with signs and Obama phones greet the President....

My Nominees For Time Magazine's Person Of The Year

In 1927, aviator Charles Lindberg was named the first Time Magazine's Person of the Year. He thrilled and changed the world, making the first solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean aboard The Spirit Of St. Louis.

85 years later, Sandra Fluke, a 31-year-old college student is named as a nominee. Her claim to fame is that she publicly demanded taxpayer-funded contraception.

Her parents must be so proud.

Time Magazine's Person of the Year is the individual or group of people who influenced the world-for better or for worse. This year, I nominate a cast of nobodies and low-information voters who appears to have stolen our country away from us.

Along with the aforementioned Fluke, here are my nominees for Time Magazine's Person of the Year:

Julia is the faceless nobody who lives her entire life dependent on Dear Leader. She was created by The Obama Campaign. Within hours of her debut, Julia was banished to The Island of Misfit Campaign Mascots, but remains the perfect personification of how America's Kenyan babydaddy thinks of his supporters.

The low-information voter: This category describes most Obama voters. It appears that many Americans believed the awful economy was STILL George W. Bush's fault. The low-information voter were willing to believe all the state-run media's chanting points.

Well, there are my nominees. It looks like the end is near. Danged Mayans.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Glenn Beck-Artiste Extraordinaire

Last week on Blaze TV, Glenn Beck had some fun, placing an Obama bobble head in a mason jar filled with 'urine'. Stay calm, everybody. It was only beer.

He called it art. Actually, it was done in response to a painting by Michael D' Antuono that depicted Our Little Dictator as Jesus.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report supports the arts, and have called upon our resident Arts and Music critic, Gerald Snotley, to share his thoughts on Beck's work. Take it away, Gerald:

Glenn Beck DESECRATED an Obama bobble head in a large container of wet stuff, and called it his art. To sum up my feelings on this piece, I paraphrase Gay Oscar from "The Office"....

"This isn't art....It destroys art....It's kitsch....This is so much more offensive than the most hard-core porn...."

Of course, this piece is a pale imitation of Andres Serrano's "Piss Christ". While Serrano's piece was ground-breaking and quite beautiful, "Obama In Pee Pee" is downright offensive. I haven't been this offended since Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey butchered Warren Zevon's "Lawyers, Guns, and Money" on The NARN.

We must wonder what sort of outrage Beck may commit next. I hope that Mr. Beck never tries to impersonate Karen Finley. The thought of Beck smearing chocolate all over his fat, pasty-white body is almost enough to make my eyebrows fall out in horror.

Perhaps, Beck will try his hand at photography. Robert Maplethorpe and his bullwhip would roll over in his grave.

Arts Critic Gerald Snotley
If Beck's piece WAS good, he would have been given an NEA grant. Instead, this buffoon tried to sell this Obomination on E-bay. They had the good sense to remove this horrible piece off their website.

Oh damn, my eyebrows are starting to fall out again.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Wanda Weighs In

On November 8, actor Jamie Foxx made an appearance at the Soul Train Awards, and referred to Barack Hussein Obama as 'our lord and savior'.

In other words, Jamie Foxx's lord and savior illegally sold guns to dangerous Mexican drug dealers, abandoned Americans in Benghazi to be murdered, regularly bad-mouths and bullies the job creators, kisses up to The Muslim Brotherhood....

....hob knobs with Marxist unionistas, made crazy accusations against his opponent Mitt Romney, then engaged in massive vote fraud, steals an election....

launders billions of dollars in phony green energy rip-offs like Solyndra, steals many more billions from hard-working taxpayers, showers his crooked, lazy supporters with the money and calls it 'stimulus'....

preaches the politics of division and envy and abuses The Constitution....

Maybe Jamie Foxx was referring to a different Barack Hussein Obama.