Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Doctors Find A Bug Up Al Gore's A$$

After self-appointed global warming expert Al Gore finished his interview with Alex Bogusky of the Climate Reality Project, the former V.P. had an appointment at the doctor. It was time for his yearly colonoscopy.

During the interview, the former Vice President had just advised believers of man-made global warming that they need to 'win the conversation' with the skeptics of global warming by shunning them, like the racists in America's shameful past. The carbon credit billionaire told 'the believers' to win with the strength of their passion, like Gore did during his explosive, profanity-laced tirade at the Aspen Insitute on August 4th.

Moments after the former Vice President got face-down on the examination table, and the doctors inserted the camera, they found something quite shocking. It ate the camera. Terrified, the doctors immediately pulled the camera out.

"Did you see that?"
"I did. I must say that I will never forget the nightmarish image as long as I live," the other doctor said, taking off his glasses. He rubbed his eyes.

DOJ Gestapo Saves America From The Gibson Gang

The Gibson Guitar Corporation, that gang of well-known criminals, was raided by federal agents this week in surprise raids in Memphis and Nashville. Our glorious DOJ Gestapo caught these suspiciously non-union shops making guitars, using  'illegal wood' from India, in direct violation of environmental regulations and the Lacey Act. You may be asking yourself, 'What is the Lacey Act?'

Don't ask. We will ask the questions!

It gets worse. Gibson Guitars CEO Henry Juszkiewicz has made political contributions to eeeevil Republican candidates in the past, and may be a racist tea-bagger.





Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Battle Of Irenemageddon

It is the aftermath of Hurricane ( I mean...tropical storm) Irene, where winds reached a whopping 40-miles an hour in some places. In New York's Times Square, young people are recovering from this crisis by playing street hockey. Most Americans relieve the stress of this national nightmare by laughing at the on-the-scene idiot reporters, as foamy human waste slaps these doofuses in the mouth.

To the media, Hurricane (I mean....tropical storm) Irene was a crisis because it hit the East Coast, and made life yucky for the mainstream media elitists who reside on our Eastern seaboard, and it interrupted our little dictator's vacation on Martha's Vineyard.

Barry brags about 'lowering the seas'. I wonder what he can do about the flooding in Vermont.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Just A Little Housecleaning

The RedSquirrel Report is six months old this month, and your bushy-tailed correspondent is doin' a little Sunday housecleaning today. For you new to this blog, I think it's a good idea to reiterate what The RedSquirrel Report is all about.

J. Redsquirrel is a wise-cracking reporter who lives in a tree somewhere in South Minneapolis, banging away at his word processor.. He reads other blogs, the news, and llistens to lots of talk radio, then redicules the people and events occurring on planet earth, hence the motto: Gathering up, feasting on, and snickering at the world's collective nuttiness since 2011.

I chose the red squirrel because my thinking is red-state. I don't have a lot, but I'm fairly industrious. I don't expect much from the government, and I don't want them taking away my stuff, dig? Red squirrels have short attention spans, so I try to keep my posts at under three paragraphs. Sometimes, my liberal friend, Longfellow Loon stops by to award the Loon Of The Week Award. Since the geniuses at 1280 AM The Patriot cancelled the first team and, therefore, killed the Loon Of The Week segment, The RedSquirrel Report has taken upon itself to bestow this weekly honor to the loonies on the left.

I will post passages from 'my unauthorized biography of George Soros' on this blog from time to time.

Then there's Joe the artist. He draws some illustrations for us, and we show off his artwork from time to time.

Joe Soucheray has influenced me in the creation of this blog. He created the world of 'Garage Logic, where he is the mayor. I am also influenced by The Onion, Scrappleface, and The Nihlist In Golf Pants.

I'll have more later. Thank you.

J. RedSquirrel

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Dammit, We Thought We Had Him

With the rebels seemingly in control of Tripoli, Former Libyan dictator Muhammar Quadafi appears to be in hiding.

Oh, this just in. It appears that several Quadaffy aides were just killed in a shootout, and that the former dictator himself has been captured by a mob of rebels. Now, he's being dragged towards Tripoli's town square, where rebels are chanting and waving rifles.

They've taken off his sunglasses. Now they appear to be dissapointed. The mob has just realized that they have captured Carlos Santana, not Mohammar Kadafi.

We found one rebel with a sign that read, "How do you spell your name!?"

Congratulations To Newsweek

Earlier this month, Newsweek released the edition featuring the controversial Crazy Eyes Michele Bachmann cover story. We here at The RedSquirrel Report send kudos to Newsweek, for their journalistic excellence.This bushy-tailed reporter is impressed indeed with Newsweek's standards that almost equals our news parody blog.
The Crazy Eyes Bachmann cover reminds us of several stories reported here on The RedSquirrel Report, parodying Minnesota's Governor, Mark 'Governor Crazy Eyes' Dayton. (Shown below)

A final note:  Newsweek saw sales drop precipitously with The Crazy Eyes Bachmann cover. It appears that the cover frightened many Newsweek readers, and there were many reports all across the country of seemingly terrified people running away from magazine stands.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Katy Perry Sets The Record Straight

Like, Hi. It's me. Katy Perry, pop superstar :  )

Like, uh....A couple days ago, one of my Jewish fans tweeted me, and asked me to give a shout out to my friends in Israel. So, I tweeted a Jewish girl and I liked it and....like....so I asked everybody to pray for Israel. Y'know, there's this ongoing trouble in the Middle East. Sometimes there's war. Sometimes it's hot. And sometimes it's cold, y'know?

Well, this TEENAGE DREAM got on Twitter yesterday, and got some uncoolness from several Twits, as they got on my case for showing some luv for the Jews out there.  :  (

I would like to thank The RedSquirrel Report for giving me this opportunity to set the record straight. I think this blog rules :  )

oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxKaty

I Thought That It Was A Funeral Procession

Last week, our child dictator went on his Tragical Misery Tour of the Midwestern states of Minnesota, Iowa, and Illinois. Obama rode in the large, black, Canadian-built 'Darth Vadar Bus'.

I have a question:

There were 40 black vehicles in this weird caravan. Did it look like a funeral procession for America? We all know that under Obama's corrupt, inept leadership, America looks like she's on her deathbed. Who came up with this ridiculous idea?

Governor Rick Perry. I think I found a campaign ad.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Welcome To Slander 101

Good morning, class. I am Mr. Schultz, visiting Professor. Let's get started. If you want to be a host on MSNBC like me, or work for Media Matters, you gotta learn how to smear your enemies.

Today's lesson is: If your enemy utters the word 'black', then you can call him or her a racist. This week, me and my producer really did a number on Texas Governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry. The Governor was giving a speech, and compared the national debt to 'a big, black cloud'. With a little editing trickery, we made it appear as if the Governor had compared our glorious leader, President Obama with a 'big black cloud'.

It doesn't really matter what your enemy says. He or she could be ordering a pizza. You can smear your enemy any number of ways. If your enemy exists, you can smear 'em. Have a nice day.

Like A Very Old Bat Out Of Hell

This week,  leftist Representative Maxine Waters of California spoke to a rabid crowd of supporters, and suggested that people associated with the tea party can 'go to hell', AND that she would be happy to send them to that destination.

Then, large red bat wings sprouted out of her back. The crowd of supporters cheered wildly as she flew around the room, laughing and snarling.

The new civility is a good thing.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

To Serve Krugman

Wacky Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman appeared on CNN's 'GPS', with Fareed Zakaria  to suggest that what this country needs is a good space alien invasion. The government would pass much-needed stimulus for weapons that would battle the creatures from outer space, and save us from our recession. This theory was inspired by an episode of 'The Twilight Zone'.

Space Cadet Krugman is almost right. However, I prefer that episode 'To Serve Man'. This country would be better off if the space aliens came with a large black book entitled , 'To Serve Liberals'.

We could pay the space aliens a trillion dollars to take the libs off our hands.


The Cookie Monster Releases Death Metal Debut

Next Tuesday, Sesame Street's very own Cookie Monster will release his debut album, "Death To Cookie", on Grave Robber Records.

Producer Bob Autopsy, who's also worked with death metal ill-uminaries Cannibal Corpse, says, "It's about time that the Cookie Monster finally released his long-awaited debut. After all, every death metal vocalist counts 'The Monster' as their main musical influence".

The first single will be a brain-numbing version of  'C For Cookie'.

Did Ann Coulter Cause The Riots In England?

Conservative authoratrix Ann Coulter recently released her new tome, 'Demonic (How The Liberal Mob Is Endangering America)', and it seems that she has came up with the greatest advertising campaign in the the history of  bookpublishing. On August 4th, a race riot exploded at the Wisconsin State Fair. Then there was the flash mob in Philly, and we also watched in horror as England was set ablaze.

Were these events caused by socio-political or economic unrest, or did Ms. Coulter arrange these events as some kind of elaborate publicity campaign?

Maybe this is what happens when your local bookstore fails to stock enough copies of  'Demonic (How The Liberal Mob Is Endangering America)'. That's 'Demonic (How The Liberal Mob Is Endangering America)', available at bookstores near you!

The REAL Reason Barack Is Going On Vacation....

....is to come up with 5 campaign slogans for his re-election bid. Here they are:

5.  Vote For Me Because America Must Be Destroyed
4.  Vote For Me If You Don't Want To Be Called A Racist
3.  Don't Blame Me, It's All Dubya's Fault
2. WAAAAAA-HAAAAA!!!!! STOP PICKING ON ME!!!!!!!
1.  Hey Hey Ho Ho, All The Jobs Have Got To Go

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Barney The Bomber Hits The Brown Note

Anally-active Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank made an appearance on Rachel Maddow's MSNBC program, and while discussing the economy, let out a booming sample of his natural gas.

A quick-thinking MSNBC floor director struck a match, and waved it around in the television studio.

We asked Rammstein Barre, our own resident musicologist at The RedSquirrel Report, to check out the video of the Massachusetts Representative. He described the sound this way:

"That sound is 'the brown note'. It cannot be found of the musical staff," our musicologist explained. ( Note: For an entertaining and informative explanation of the brown note phenomenon, there is an episode of South Park that explores this in greater detail).

Behave Yourselves, You Limey A$$Holes

We've all seen the horrible scenes of burning buildings and looting taking place in England. As the chronically lazy take their idea of 'entitlements' to the extreme, I keep hearing that this is what happens 'when the rich won't pay their share'.

No Johnny Bull, this is what happens when the productive and law-abiding are not allowed to arm themselves.

I'm telling everyone right now, and I'm saying this just once. The next guy who tries to justify this crap is going to get kicked right in the nuts.

What Does $15,000,000,000,000 Look Like?

As the United States approaches a national debt of $15 trillion, I wondered what does $15 trillion look like.

If you made wall paper (or carpet) made of $1-dollar bills, you could almost cover the entire state of North Dakota with 15,000,000,000,000 crisp one-dollar bills.

Get out your ruler, and draw a square that's one square foot. You can almost fit 8 dollar bills in your square.

Now, a square mile is 265,476,400 square feet. Multiply that by 8, and you see that if you can cover one square mile with 2,123,801,200 dollar bills.

Now divide 2,123,801,200 into 15,000,000,000,000. Your answer is: about 70,000.

The state of North Dakota is about 70,000 square miles. You could cover the entire state with one dollar bills.

And the worst thing is,  I didn't win the $100,000 Powerline Prize. Damn.

Your Monthly Wisconsin Recall Election Wrap-Up

The Republicans in Wisconsin have maintained their control of the badger state senate, after successfully defending 4 of the 6 contested recall elections last night. Several government unions sank over $30,000,000 to unseat the new members of the G.O.P. majority, who were just elected last November.

As it became clear that the Republicans would keep their small majority, the leaders in the Democrat party of Wisconsin were already making plans for yet another recall election, possibly next month.

"Yeah, the union-hater guv Scott Walker better keep looking over his shoulder, 'cause we're coming after him next', said one morbidly obese S.E.I.U. unionista. 

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

On August 4, a race riot exploded at the opening day of the Wisconsin State Fair. The local police reported that approximently 200 black youthes had pulled scores of white people out of their cars and off of their motorcycles, before beating their victims bloody.

The RedSquirrel Report have uncovered the real story behind these brutal beatings.

We visited a local jail, and asked several of the assailents what motivated them to brutally attack the white fairgoers. One youthe (we'll call him 'Kanye') disclosed that he was envious of a 14-year old girl's blue ribbon. Before he and his gang pulled her and her mother out of the family car, he complimented the frightened girl on her 'shiney blue bling'.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

That'll Teach Her!

Law enforcement officials in Carolville, Iowa has put an end to 4-year old criminal mastermind Abigail Krutsinger's reign of terror. The 4-year old outlaw had opened a lemonade stand without a proper operating permit OR submitting to the all-important health inspection. She may also face federal 'lemon cruelty' charges if Obama czar Cass Sunstein decides to charge her.

It is heartwarming to know that in this era of out-of-control government budgets, crime, and corruption, the government in Carolville, Iowa shows us how a government is supposed to function.

So, let this be a warning to all you little wannabe capitalists. Big brother is watching.

Did You Get Your Invitation?

That communist island paradise of Cuba announced that their economic growth for last year was about 1.9%, which means that their Marxist dictatorship is growing faster than our mainland Marxist dictatorship.

If you're the leader of the previously free world, and you find out that Cuba's economy is outgrowing America's, what do you do? If you're the narcissist-in-chief Barack Hussein Obama, you make plans for your upcoming BIRTHDAY BLOW-OUT, with star entertainers Jennifer Hudson and Herby Hancock. You bring in filthy rich cronies and campaign contributors. After all, you will need as much money as you can raise, because with your horrific record. Only an all-out, well-funded smear campaign of your Republican opponent in 2012 will give you any chance of winning.

That's what you do if you're Barack Hussein Obama.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Is Joe Biden Possessed, Or Is He Just Dumb?

Yesterday, gaffe machine Joe Biden suggested that Tea Party Republicans are like terrorists. He also welcomed Arizona Representative and shooting victim Gabrielle Giffords into the 'Cracked Head Club'.

He thinks that j.o.b.s. is a three-letter word. He sees a man in a wheel chair, and tells him to stands up.

We here at The RedSquirrel Report are concerned for this country. There is something horribly wrong with the Vice-President. We wondered how could so much idiocy continuously fly out of  the Vice President's mouth, so we asked several members of the local clergy here in the Twin Cities area if it's possible the V.P. is possessed by a demon or unclean spirit.

We showed the local ministers and priests some video of the Vice President and his many, many gaffes. They agreed that Biden probably isn't possessed, he's just stupid- unless he is  possessed by a very dumb demon. That demon would  probably be picked on by the other demons.

So, the next time you see Joe Biden make another gaffe (Another one should be coming shortly), take pity. It might be that dumb demon or an idiot spirit flying out of his mouth.

And That's Why We Love Her

In the spirit of the new civility, Vice-Perp Joe Biden accuses Tea Party Repubs of acting like terrorists.

Yesterday, Sarah Palin was a guest on Sean Hannity's show on Fox News, where she reminded us that Barack Hussein Obama's closest associates were terrorists (William Ayers and Bernadine Dorn).

She shoots....She scores.....