Thursday, June 30, 2011

Countdown To Shutdown

Wow, just look at all the sheeple! It's quite a sight on the steps of the capitol building. So much need! Willing tools of Governor Crazy Eyes. Look at that guy with the black 'Get Out Of Palestine' t-shirt. C'mon, you heartless, cruel Republicans! You cannot shut down the state! How will we ever exist without our state zoo? And what will we do without all of the rest stops? All life will cease! Minnesota will END!

Mark Halparin Suspended From MSNBC For Stating The Obvious

The following is a press release from MSNBC:

Political pundit Mark Halparin is being suspended indefinitely for using a derogatory, inappropriate term to describe Our Messiah.  Mr. Halparin thought that his description of Our Messiah's behaviour at yesterday's press conference would be edited out. Unfortunately, our producer didn't catch the seven-second delay, and the offending word was heard by literally dozens of our viewers. We apologize to The Messiah.

Is There A Connection?

Our child dictator brags that he will raise an unprecedented billion dollars for his Presidential re-election.

Meanwhile, the regime's National Labor Relations Board is currently harrassing Boeing. There's the threat of card-check. Taxpayer dollars already pay the salaries and benefits for public employees, which in turn, go to corrupt union bosses (who often resort to violence to get their way) in the form of union dues, then to Democrat candidates.

Is the regime trying to force all tax-paying Americans to become campaign contributors to Obama's re-election bid?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Bachmann Derangement Syndrome

Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann formally announced her presidential candidacy this week, and psychologists are already seeing an increase of visits to the headshrinker's office. Many of these new patients are experiencing a psychological tic that was last seen during the Bush presidency of 2001-2009. Only then it was called 'Bush Derangement Syndrome'. Symptoms include a deep, irrational hatred, blaming W. for everything, even the global warming on Mars and high golf scores.
Victims of the new BDS (Bachmann Derangement Syndrome) also suffer from an irrational hatred, believing that the Representative is hiding devil horns inside her hair. Then, they find out that the Minnesota representative took in over 20 foster kids and gave them a home, and wonder if she has (perhaps) abused one. Most BDS patients are employed in the news media.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

That Must Be One Pretty Dad

I was watching country music videos last night, and saw a vid by a relative newcomer, Jessica Andrews. In her song 'Who I Am', she proudly states that she is 'a spitting image of her father.'

That must be one pretty Dad.

What's The Over/Under?......

When will Comedy Central have a celebrity roast for Former New York Representative Anthony Weiner? I would think that The Weiner Roast would be ratings gold.

Blago Will Be Doing The Jailhouse Rock Soon

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was convicted in 17 of 20 counts, stemming from an attempt to sell the Senate seat formerly held by Barack Hussein Obama. Guilty of wire fraud, extortion, conspiracy, bribery, and a host of other charges, the audacious Democrat was said to be "stunned" that the jury would find him guilty.
Earlier in the day, the self-admitted Elvis Presley fan quoted a line from 'All Shook Up', as he made his way to the courthouse to hear the verdict.  "My hands are shaky, and my knees are weak. I can't seem to stand on my own two feet".

The former Governor will be doing the 'Jailhouse Rock' soon.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Meanwhile, At MSNBC....

The nightly Lawrence O' Donnell-hosted program on MSNBC will be re-named "Lawrence O'Donnell's Nightly Meltdown". The program was called "Countdown (With Keith Olbermann)", before Olbermann was given the ax. Comcast, the new parent company of MSNBC, decided on the new name for the program. A Comcast executive, who asked  not to be identified, told an AP reporter, "Wow, we didn't know what we were getting when we bought out GE. This O'Donnell guy is a psychopath! When he yells at his guests, his eyes almost pop out of his skull! And that scowl! It's like we need a security cop nearby, just in case! But I think this new name may bring in curious viewers. Maybe he might pull a Howard Beale on the air. Or jump out of the window."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Glenn Beck Issued A Press Release

June 22, 2011

The Glenn Beck News Show will make it's debut on GBTV on September 12.  As the New York Times so aptly reported, Fox News has seen the ratings of The Glenn Beck News Show decline, and all of our sponsors drop the show. It got so bad that the combined ratings of our competitors (CNN and MSNBC) almost equalled ours. Last month, Fox News security guards threw me and my associates (Mr Gray and Mr.Burguiere) to the curb. For several weeks, we have slept in the gutter. Yesterday, the three of us slept on a park bench.  Mr. Gray suffered from a terrible case of pneumonia, coughing and wheezing, I shook both of my associates awake, and told them that in America, you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. And so, the three of us are starting GBTV.
For only $4.95 a month, you can keep my kids from starving. Thank you.

Glenn Beck
(Note: This isn't a real press release. I'm only goofing. :)

The RedSquirrel Goes Out On A Limb

While most conservatives resist making endorsements this early into the presidential election cycle, your bushy-tailed blogger is already going out on a limb, and throwing his support behind former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Even though it's doubtful that she will even enter the 2012 presidential race, I am rabid in my support, even willing to start my own 'draft Palin movement'. My overriding desire is to see the Left's collective head explode en masse, just like those martians in the movie "Mars Attacks!" when they are exposed to loud yodeling.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Waitaminnut, It Gets Worse

Last night, our child dictator spoke at a fundraiser. In the transcript of the speech, the audience was accidentally directed to laugh when he dishonestly claimed that his administration has created over two-million jobs. We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession a partial transcript of tonight's speech before The Openness Society.
Begin Transcript:
Thank you (applause).Thank you (woman faints)....Thanks.....Will somebody wake her up, she must've been overcome by my presence. (laugh). Thank you. (alright, zip it).
My administration created 2.1 million jobs last year. (applaud this time!) Unfortunately, most of those jobs are in China and India. (laugh) Tonight, I am proud to say that Operation Fast And Furious will result in the abolition of the Second Amendment (standing ovation).  Only one border agent has been killed! (laugh) And so, tomorrow I will celebrate with a round of golf. (woot!woot!) Damn, being President is a tough job! (yell 'amen!') As you know, I inherited many problems from the previous administration. (groan loudly) But, because of the efforts of my administration, over ten million homes have not been foreclosed on (laugh)....

End of transcript.

John Who?

Today, former Utah Governor John Huntsman announced his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Meanwhile, Obama aides tell members of the mainstream news media that the newest candidate  is the Republican that the Obama team secretly fears the most. Why do they say that John Huntsman is the most formidable candidate? It's simple. Because they are liars.

Longfellow Loon Is Resting Comfortably

On Saturday, our liberal correspondent, Longfellow Loon, was escorted into the Minneapolis Hilton, site of The RightOnLine Conference. His bodyguards were decked in purple t-shirts. No,  these weren't  Minnesota Vikings, but rather, were from the S.E.I.U.
I was wondering what took him so long to file his report. When he returned to the office, he appeared to be in a daze, almost unable to describe in words just what he saw. He mumbled, "The attendees were....smiling.....they were courteous.....positive,,,,they smelled great.....What's wrong with these people?"

That sometimes happens when a lib is exposed to conservatives.

This Is Getting Weird....

If anti-circumcision graphic art is your thing, there's the new online comic, by artiste Matthew Hess (That's his real last name, folks),  'Foreskin Man', a blond, Aryan Superman does battle against the evil, blade-wielding Rabbi, Monster Mohel.  On my May 19 posting, your intrepid gatherer of nutty news discovered the move in San Francisco to ban circumcision ('When I Grow Up, I Want To Be An Anti-Circumcision Activist'). The intactivists, as well as the creator of 'Foreskin Man', insists that intactivists are not anti-Semitic in nature, but are against genital mutilation. Critics of the online comic draw comparisons to the anti-Semitic illustrations seen all over Europe during the 1930's.
I guess everyone needs a hobby.

A Truely Nutty Convention

Our liberal correspondent, Longfellow Loon, was there when a  pushy nutroot jack-ass and a mob of Maoist psychopaths got into Andrew Breitbart's face. Apparently, the jack-ass had just attended one on the leftist seminars, "How To Level Baseless Accusations To Stop Your Enemy 101", and decided to use what he learned. After repeatedly suggesting that Mr. Breitbart visits male prostitutes, the leftist whack-job told Mr. Breitbart to leave because he didn't have the proper credentials. After Breitbart was thrown out, these practitioners of leftist civility chanted 'COWARD!....COWARD!....'.  These conscience-free crapweasels live and breathe Saul Alinsky.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

NutRoots to The Left Of Us, Right On Line To The....

Our resident leftie, Longfellow Loon, has been busy this weekend. We at The RedSquirrel Report sent him to cover both the Nutroots Convention in The Minneapolis Convention Center, as well as The RightOnLine convention two blocks away at The Minneapolis Hilton. At first, he was afraid that Sarah Palin or Ted Nugent would shoot him, but I calmed him down with a tranquilizer. Here is the first of his reports:

This is Longfellow Loon. I just attended an early session here at The NetRoots Convention. The first speaker was the guy from Ho Chi MnBlog. Wow, what a rousing pep talk! There's a lot of dissatisfied Obama supporters here. Some are even accusing The Messiah of governing like a 'moderate Republican!' While Obama is satisfied with overtaxing and over-regulating the private sector, the attendees here at the Netroots Convention would rather see the private sector beaten, imprisoned, and sent to a re-education camp!

I will be heading over to the Minneapolis Hilton to file a report from The RightOnLine Convention. I just hope that I don't run into Mitch Berg and Ed Morrissey from 1280 The Patriot. They might eat me

We Endorse Dick Franson For Senate 2012

Since the mainstream news media has already declared Barack Hussein Obama the winner of the 2012 presidential election, I suppose that I should find another 2012 election to pique your interest. Today, your bushy-tailed correspondent is proud to announce the endorsement of primary challenger Dick Franson for the seat currently held by Senator Amy Kloubachar. Kloubachar cast the deciding vote for the putrid Obamacare, and for just that, should be summarily bounced out of the Senate.

Full disclosure: Mr. Franson frequents the workplace where our resident cartoonist Joe works, and has slipped Joe a few bucks for a job well done. In no way should this endorsement  be construed as being a quid pro quo.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The RedSquirrel Report: A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

The RedSquirrel Report: A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive: "With a possible state government shutdown looming, Governor Crazy Eyes is accusing Minnesota Republicans of holding the state hostage. The R..."

A RedSquirrel Report Exclusive

With a possible state government shutdown looming, Governor Crazy Eyes is accusing Minnesota Republicans of holding the state hostage. The Republicans counter, saying that the $34 billion budget is balanced and also funds the top priority items for running the state. There are also local critics of the governor who claim Governor Crazy Eyes wants to 'create chaos and cause the greatest possible pain during the potential shutdown'.

We at The RedSquirrel Report have in our possession a letter sent from the Governor's office to Senate leader, Amy Koch.


Late-night comedians and bloggers are despondent today, as disgraced New York Representative Anthony Weiner resigned (pulled out of) from Congress. In a three-minute statement that left some wondering if he was resigning from Congress or accepting an Academy Award,  the embattled Rep thanked his parents for bringing such a great guy into the world, and his constituents for voting for such a hero for the middle class. His statement was interrupted several times by mean-spirited hecklers, but the ultra-heroic hero finished his statement. It appears that Weiner's career has ended prematurely.

Every Hair Was In Place

On Wednesday, former North Carolina Senator and 2004 Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards faced the photographer.
"Smile!", the photographer exhorted the former politician. "Give me something!"
That was when the indicted Edwards lit up the police station, showing off his pearly whites.

John Edwards was indicted on counts of conspiracy and  using $1 million in campaign contributions to cover up an extramarital affair with a former campaign worker, Rielle Hunter. The liaison ended in pregnancy, as Edwards' wife Elizabeth was losing her battle with cancer.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

GOP Debate Round-up

Last night,  the Republican presidential candidates took center stage, with CNN's John King moderating. Our guy Harold  asked The RedSquirrel Report's official focus group of 5 registered  Independents and 5 Democrats to watch the debate as it unfolded.

The registered Independents were pleasantly surprised with the way Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann answered the questions concerning economic issues. One Democrat was surprised that Bachmann's head didn't spin around, and that she never did once vomit pea soup into the moderator's face.

And In Science News....

Scientists at the University of Texas have discovered that 65% of registered Democrats do not get enough oxygen to their brain. Evidence of this is found in many who attend Obama speeches. Many of these loyalists become dizzy and faint. Then there's the case of that hyperventilating idiot ("OH, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT-FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF YOUR  DAY!!!! OH, YES.DEAR GOD!!!!"). And finally, there's the case of MSNBC hostess Mika Brzezinski. When asked who her favorite founding father was, she answered 'Abraham Lincoln'. It appears as if her eyes almost cross when she is deep in thought.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I Know How Anthony Weiner Can Make This All Go Away

 All he had to do was claim that the photos were an effort to get a grant from The National Endowment for the Arts.

This Is The Last Time I'm Gonna Say This

Josh Saviano, the child actor who played Kevin's pal Paul in 'The Wonder Years' did not grow up to become Marilyn Manson. That is an urban myth.

Also, the kid who played Malcolm's little brother Dewey in 'Malcolm In The Middle' did not grow up to become Rachel Maddow.

In An Alternative Universe....

....Ken Burns, the film maker who brought us PBS' 'The Civil War' and 'Baseball' is currently working on his new documentary, 'Obama's War On America'. In Chapter 3, The Battle Of Arizona brings to light his clash with Governor Jan Brewer over Illegal Aliens. Right now, he's working on Chapter 6, The Battle Of Madison. In this chapter, the tyrannical Obama sends his 'purpleshirts' in order to squash a popular uprising.
In Chapter 1, we meet the cast of Communist revolutionaries and domestic terrorists that influenced Obama in his youth. We sit in the church of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, and listen to the psychotic, anti-American
rants that the President claims that he didn't hear. Ken Burns also details Obama's Piven and Cloward strategy, and how he successfully smashed the American economy.
The 10-part series is scheduled to start in early 2013, on PBS.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Ask The Redsquirrel

Dear Redsquirrel,
Why was former New York Representative Chris Lee forced to resign, and why hasn't Anthony Weiner been forced out of Congress?

Confused in St. Paul.

Dear Confused in St. Paul,
Chris Lee was forced to resign because be was not a loud, obnoxious liberal Democrat. Thanks for writing.

Your pal, Redsquirrel.

Don't Even Think About It

Don't even think about entering the $100,000 Powerline Prize! The moolah is mine! The national debt is not a problem! Repeat after me. The national debt is not a problem!

Breitbart Did What!?

Yesterday, the king of new media Andrew Breitbart appeared on The Opie And Anthony morning radio show, and discussed the Anthony Weiner scandal. The radio hosts brought up the subject of a certain, previously unreleased photo. Mr. Breitbart 'presented' it, radio host Opie caught it on his cell phone, and....I can't go on with this story. I just hope that Aunt Bea  never hears about this.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'll Wait For You, Honey

On June 2,  Jaycee Lee Dugard's kidnapper-rapist Phillip Craig Garrido received a 431-year prison sentence for kidnapping the 11-year-old Dugard, and keeping her captive for 18 years, raping her repeatedly. Garrido's accomplice/wife Nancy was sentenced to 36 years to life. The good news for Phillip Garrido? With good behavior, he'll be out in 200 years.

Oh, This Just In. 60 Is More Than 40.

If you bother to listen to the state-run propaganda masquerading as news, you may think that Barack Hussein Obama is unbeatable. You can already cancel next year's presidential election. It reminds me of  Saddam Hussein mouthpiece Baghdad Bob, telling the world that the glorious Iraqi army is destroying the evil American invaders (with American tanks destroying all opposition in the background). According to the new Washington Post public opinion poll, 60% of Americans disapprove of the job that Obama has done with the economy.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Good One, Shepherd!

I heard this one at 4:00 today. It was the top of the hour news on KLTK fm, when I heard Fox News' Shepherd Smith say, "Weiner is left Democrat leader Nancy Pelosi." I almost broke the antennae off my radio, trying to give it a high-five. I may be turning into Michael Scott from "The Office".

He's Not In Today

Yesterday, New York Representative Anthony Weiner admitted to sending those lewd photos to Megan Broussard via Twitter.  During the tearful 40-minute press conference, It almost looked as if the disgraced congressman was angling for a reality t.v. show. Here are the top 10 possible titles for Anthony Weiner's reality show.
10. The Real Weiner
  9. Who's Weiner Is It Anyway? (I actually heard this yesterday, but I don't remember where)
  8. The Amazing Weiner
  7. The Biggest Weiner
  6. The Wild And Wonderful Weiners Of West Virginia....Or New York
  5. Weiner Shore
  4. So You Think You Can Tweet Your Weiner?
  3. Rich Weiners Of New York
  2. So You Want To Be A Weiner?
  1. Smile-You're On Weiner Camera

Thursday, June 2, 2011

That Obama Is So Gutsy!

His policies of taxing and spending have gutted the American private sector. He's unleashed a disastrous health care takeover of America,  hampered oil-drilling, foreclosure signs as far as the eye can see, screwed the American taxpayer and called it stimulus, introduced an unprecedented level of corruption and cronyism never attempted in the history of this country, and then brought in a leftist freak show into his administration we know as 'czars'. He's flouted the law and the Constitution
With a record like that, he's actually running for re-election! Damn, he's gutsy!

Maybe He Should Change His Name

New York Representative Anthony Weiner became teste with reporters yesterday, and while giving the army of reporters the stiff arm, blurted out , "The long and short of it is, that my Twitter account was hacked, and that's why a photo of of someone's.... you know....was sent to that Seattle college student's computer", before becoming redfaced, and storming out of  the Capital Building.
 "Usually, it's quite hards to rub Weiner the wrong way. He's a he very cocky liberal, but now he's getting downright prickly," said one reporter at Reuters.

I'm So Ashamed Of Myself

Monday was Memorial Day, the day in late May when Americans remember those veterans who sacrificed, and payed the ultimate price- their lives. These brave kids are usually sent to faraway countries, fighting for our country. And what did I do when I woke up Monday morning? I wondered why The Jerry Lewis Telethon wasn't on.
Hang your head in shame, redsquirrel.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

How To Get A Waiver

As we all know, ObamaCare,  aka The Unaffordable Patient Pay This Or Go To Prison Act Of 2010, is now the most unpopular piece of legislation ever passed by Congrab. It is so unpopular that Chairman Obama's most ardent supporters have begged for 'waivers' to get out of it's crushing, tyrannical weight. We've been hearing of the cronyism running wild, with unions getting the bulk of the waivers. You can also get a waiver, if you do one or more of the following:                                                                            
                                                                                                                                                           1. Send a $100 campaign contribution to Re-Elect Barack Hussein Obama 2012
2. Join S.E.I.U.(The Service International Union), and while beating on a non-union worker, have someone take a picture. Send the picture to Van Jones.
3. Contact Commissar Kathleen Sibelius at Health And Human Services, and a bureaucrat may grant your request.

Good luck.